We need help to understand many things about counseling. This manual is being written that we might understand what Christian counseling is, who can do Christian counseling, how to be a Christian counselor, and how to build our skills as a Christian counselor.

There are many passages in the Word of God that show us who should be involved in Christian counseling. In Romans 15:14 we read, "And I myself also am persuaded of you, my brethren, that ye also are full of goodness, filled with all knowledge, able also to admonish one another." The brethren here are those who have had a personal salvation experience, who are members of the body of Christ, indwelt by the Holy Spirit and have a desire to honor and glorify God in their lives. To these brethren Christ gives the ministry of counseling in the church.

Then in Galatians 6:1,2 we read, " Brethren, if a man be overtaken in a fault, ye which are spiritual, restore such an one in the spirit of meekness, considering thyself, lest thou also be tempted. Bear ye one another's burdens and so fulfill the law of Christ." The brethren are charged with the ministry of counseling to help that one overtaken in a fault. Those who are spiritual, saved, filled and controlled by the Holy Spirit are called to counsel others in need. It is interesting (Titus 2:2-5) how the aged women are responsible for counseling the younger women; teaching, admonishing and instructing in certain areas of need.

What is Christian counseling? Those who are called to this have many common commitments that they share. These are common goals or commitments that are embraced by those who labor in counseling.

Christian Counselors are committed to a common goal: This goal is not of man's will, making or invention, but a goal that springs from the Word of God, as seen in Ephesians 4:14,15, which is God's desire for every Christian.That we be "no more children, tossed to and fro.... but may grow into him in all things, which is the head, even Christ:" The goal is Christlikeness, maturity, being no more babes in Christ, but growing into maturity. Paul stated this graphically in Colossians 2:28, "Whom we preach, warning every man and teaching every man in all wisdom; that we may present every man perfect in Christ Jesus." This is our goal!

Christian Counselors are committed to the reality of sin: We are to take seriously the portions of Scripture that deal with the reality of sin and the tragedy of sin as announced in the Word of God. Christian counselors have a common confession that sin is "exceedingly sinful" and that basically we are dealing with a "sin" problem in the counseling process. (Romans 1:18-32; 3:9-24; 6:23; Galatians 5:19-21; Ephesians 5:1-13) We must not try and put a bandage on the problem of sin. We cannot make the crooked straight for only God's Word can do that. It takes the drastic work of conviction and total repentance to bring change. We must depend upon the power of God's Word, the truth, to change the hearts of men. In Isaiah 1:4- 6 we read, "Ah sinful nation, a people laden with iniquity, a seed of evildoers, children that are corrupters: they have forsaken the Lord....the whole head is sick and the whole heart faint.. from the sole of the foot even unto the head there is no soundness in it: but wounds, and bruises, and putrefying sores: they have not been closed, neither bound up, neither mollified with ointment.." Surely God sets forth the seriousness of sin.

Christian Counselors are committed to the need of patience and grace: Godly Christian counselors recognize the need of an atmosphere of patience and grace in order that the counseling process might go on and the needs of the client met. In all secular writings about counseling we read of the need of an atmosphere of positive regard, acceptance and concern for the people in need.

This is also shared again and again in the Word of God. Paul spoke of the "need of the spirit of meekness (or humility)" in Galatians 6:1; and then in I Thessalonians 5:14 we are told to "comfort the feeble minded, support the weak, be patient toward all man." God has been so patient with us, what He has done for us we are to do toward others. Counseling demands much love, patience and understanding. Paul wrote to Timothy, "Thou therefore, my son, be strong in the grace that is in Christ Jesus." (II Tim. 2:1) We must embrace the reality that grace is what will change lives.

Christian Counselors are committed to help people bring about change: If we are going to be Biblical we will be committed to help people to recognize the need of building new attitudes and actions into their life-style. We will have a common goal of bringing about change. This will necessitate dehabituation and rehabituation, or a "putting off and putting on" process. (Ephesus 4:22-24; 4:28) We will want to see them grow into maturity, therefore bringing about in their lives a new activity of change. This will require time and a process is involved to bring about the change. The counselor will need to be patient and understanding and know how to labor with the client in order to effect such a permanent change. There is the need of building new habits as the old habits are broken and are replaced. The client must adopt a new life-style in those areas of needed change. The old garments of sin (of the old man, Ephesians 4:2, Colossians 3:5-9) must be put off and replaced with the power of the new man. (Ephesians 4:24,23) There must be an adopting of new attitudes, new practices and real change as we see in Ephesians 4:25-28. Those that stole were to steal no more, but rather to labor with their own hands that they might have to give. What a change, from a thief, to one who labored to give to others.

Christian Counselors recognize their total dependence upon the Holy Spirit: We must recognize that apart from the Holy Spirit we can do nothing. "It is not by might, nor by power, but by my Spirit, saith the Lord of Hosts." We must humbly admit our total dependence upon the Holy Spirit to do the work in hearts and lives. (Ephesians 5:17,18) If there is going to be success in the counseling ministry there must be dependence upon the Holy Spirit. We must be empowered by the Holy Spirit, (Acts 1:8, Luke 24:49) At that time the disciples where not to go anywhere, or attempt to do anything until they were endued by the Holy Spirit of God. We cannot produce conviction but too often we do try to create conviction. We thus brow-beat the counselee, we get on them, push them, shove them, but they don't really change. There is no long lasting change in the life when it is our effort to try and effect change. In this effort we so often run ahead of the Holy Spirit for we are trying to do His work. We must discern what He is doing, listen to HIM, and be directed by HIM. Conviction and change are the result of the Holy Spirit's ministry. We are to be instruments to minister what God wants, the change must be brought by His working.

Christian Counselors operate under the umbrella of the Lordship of Jesus Christ: The counselor's activities and desired direction toward the client is to help them totally yield to the written Word and the Living Word, the incarnate Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ. We can say, "Do this or do that because this is what Christ would tell you to do if He were setting in my place." We must give full allegiance to the Word of God ourselves, trusting that this is the agent that the Holy

Spirit will use to bring about change. All our direction in counseling must be rooted in the Word of God for we are indeed asking the counselee what the Word of God is asking them to do. Paul modeled this in the counseling process as he wrote to Timothy. He called Timothy to appropriate the truths of the Word of God, as he called Timothy's attention to doctrine. (II Timothy 1:13, 14) Timothy was urged to "Hold fast the form of sound words, which thou hast heard of me, in faith and love which is in Christ Jesus. That good thing which was committed unto thee keep by the Holy Ghost which dwelleth in us." I think that Timothy also had a problem with timidity and was urged to meet that need, as Paul counseled with the Word of God. "For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind." (II Timothy 1:7) Then Paul was urging him to "Study to shew thyself approved unto God, a workman that needeth not to be ashamed, rightly dividing the word of truth." (II Timothy 2:15) This took place because Timothy had many problems to face in the ministry and the only answer was the Word of God. From a child he had known the Scriptures and they were to be his resource to meet needs in the ministry God had given him. (II Timothy 2:15-17) It is obvious in all this that Christ must be Lord as we seek to obey His Word.

Christian Counselors realize that the ultimate responsibility for victory rests on the client, not themselves: Of course the counselor must do all he can Biblically to see the need of the client met but in the final analysis the outcome rests upon the counselee's willingness to apply truth. The individual's effort makes the difference. Sometimes as counselors we are prone to accept all the responsibility of success or failure of the sessions. We ought not do that, for if we have truly presented the Word of God, and made much of the Word of God as it was brought to bear upon the need, and we have been faithful to the principles of good counseling, we have done our part. The counselee must do his part, for the responsibility for change rest on him. In the end we are each "accountable" for our decisions. (Romans 14:12; II Cor. 9) We cannot make a client become what we would like them to be. Of course we must be very thorough, truly prepared and knowledgeable of how to counsel, but then after helping the counselee in every way possible we have to leave the results to their decisions and to the "free-will" of their choices. We must employ sound principles of counseling, use the Word of God, as we depend upon the Holy Spirit, but the client must bring himself into conformity to the Word of God.

How can we effectively counsel in the local church? Can there be such a ministry and if so, who can be involved? How can we effectively minister in a ministry of counseling in the church? When we understand what Paul did as he labored with the churches I think we also understand what is involved as we are commanded to "exhort one another daily, and so much the more as you see the day approaching", (Hebrews 10:25) and "...teaching and admonishing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs..." (Colossians 3:16)

Who in the Church Should be Involved in Counseling? All who are spiritual, who consistently yield to the Holy Spirit, who are mature in Christ Jesus should determine to be used of the Lord to help others.

We will call people to remembrance: (II Tim. 1:5,6) We will call the saved to remembrance of things that God has done, and their responsibility based on "what God has done". It is like "putting a hot poker in the brain, to fan the life of things that they have known and have neglected, it is to stir the head and heart." Paul wrote, "I call to remembrance the unfeigned faith that is in thee." He would remind Timothy and encourage him in the present based on what had taken place in the past. "Wherefore I put thee in remembrance that thou stir up the gift of God which is in thee..." This will take the form of a gentle reminder, or exhortation with love that the saved might remember that which they have neglected or forgotten concerning what God has done in the past.

We will be involved in a ministry of exhortation. (II. Tim. 1:8) Here Paul lovingly exhorted Timothy, "Be not thou therefore ashamed of the testimony of our Lord, nor of me his prisoner: but be thou partaker of the afflictions of the gospel according to the power of God." Paul lovingly exhorted, admonished and sometime aggressively confronted those with whom he labored. We cannot be a healer and helper until we are also willing to lovingly confront and exhort and admonish those to whom we would minister.

Also there must be a ministry of modeling.(1:12) Paul reminded the people of God's faithfulness in the past, then he exhorted them unto good works and godly living. Then it is obvious that he also endeavored to model before them what he wanted them to be. As counselors, as helpers for the sake of others we must above all "model" what we want them to be. Paul modeled a dynamic, alive relationship to the Lord, to the Holy Spirit and in his service and life. We must have a dynamic, alive relationship with the Lord, fully alive unto the Jesus we are talking about. Paul was saying, Now "Timothy, look what the Lord has done for you in the past, don't be ashamed of the Lord, I must exhort and admonish you, son, Timothy, of God's faithfulness in the past as I exhort you in the present. I want to tell you what my own experience with Jesus Christ has been." Paul was a great model and he held up that modeling before Timothy whom he was counseling. The major way we help others is to model for they will basically learn from what we are. (II Tim. 2:2; Phil 4:9) What was Timothy's problem? We do not know for sure, but from verse seven it is noted that he must have had many fears. He probably was not committing everything to the Lord. He had lost his leader, Paul, who was now in prison. He probably was full of fear, anxiety, worry and was overly concerned, afraid of the future and what would happen to him now that Paul was gone. Probably Timothy felt strong, able and encouraged when Paul was with him, now he could have been captivated by fear, seized with anxiety and possibly very depressed in the midst of his concerns. Paul was encouraging him that (II Tim. 1:12) "I know whom I have believed, and am persuaded that he is able to keep that which I have committed unto him against that day." "God will meet every need, Timothy, I have committed all to Him, and you need not be afraid (for you can do the same)." Often we must allow the counselee to see the victory that we have in Christ Jesus, in a humble and loving way. (John 15:11; John 14:27)

We must also encourage others to be "strong" in the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ. Paul made much of the grace of God. It is God's grace, wonderful, abundant, abounding victorious, healing grace. It is grace by which God forgives, and restores, it is "grace greater than our sin." (Rom. 5:15-20; II Cor 12:9; Eph 1:6; I Pet. 4:10; Eph. 2:7; Rom.5:21; Rom. 6:14; 5:2; II Cor. 9:8,14; II Tim. 2:1; II Pet. 3:18; I Peter 3:7) His grace is the source of all that we have: our salvation, call of God, faith, justification, forgiveness, and consolation. We must emphasize the abundant, abounding grace of God for every need.

Then we must have a large measure of adaptability. Paul in I Thess. 5:14 wrote, "Now we exhort you, brethren, warn them that are unruly, comfort the feebleminded, support the weak, be patient toward all men." Paul was urging them to recognize that there were three different categories of persons who had basic needs. They were to adapt their ministry, teaching, exhorting, etc., to the basic needs of the unruly, feeble-minded and the weak. They did not all deserve or need the same response, in fact to give the wrong response could be very devastating. There are the "unruly or disorderly" who need to be warned. Then there are the "little souls" which is meant to be feeble-minded, who were possibly timid, and afraid. If they were warned like the unruly they would be "beat into the ground and disappear from sight", so, what they needed was encouragement, and comfort. Then there are the "weak", who need support. We would not "comfort the unruly and warn the feeble minded and weak", for each needs counseling according to his needs.

We must be consistently concerned about the counselee. (I Thess. 5:14) Paul wrote about being "patient toward all men" that means to manifest concern, compassion, burden and desire to meet their needs. It is interesting to note that Paul wrote to the same church, "But we were gentle among you, even as a nurse cherisheth her children... being affectionately desirous ...imparting unto you, not the gospel of God only, but also our own souls, because ye were dear unto us.. laboring night and day... as ye know how we exhorted and comforted and charged every one of you, as a father doth his children." (I Thess. 2:7-11) Paul had a tremendous burden for those unto whom he ministered. In Galatians 4:19 we read, "My little children, of whom I travail in birth again until Christ be formed in you." He had travailed once for their salvation, and now was travailing "again" until Christ be formed in them. To travail like a mother does for the birth of a child is indeed an evidence of deep concern for those to whom he ministered.

We then, also, need insight into the main need the Client has. There must be sensitivity to the need of the counselee, being able to identify the major problem(s) and with compassion and heart-felt concern meet that need. As we depend upon the Holy Spirit to lead us, willingly confronting the person about his needs with the Word of God, we must expect Him to bring about conviction. We also need to model the Lord Jesus Christ in that counseling situation.

The Counselor must be present in the counseling process: The counselor must be sure that he is absolutely present in the session or situation. To be present means "to be there"; all distractions are out of the mind, listening, and giving full attention. This will be noted by the way we set, by body language, by the way we speak, and the way we look at the client (s). They must be fully convinced that we are truly there, totally for their sakes. (Often we do not listen to our family members like this, but only half listen.) So we must focus on them as we listen for problems, listen for themes, and listen for things that are emerging over and over again. You must know what kind of responses are appropriate. You must know what kind of probes to make, and what kind of questions to ask, and this can only take place by truly "being present". The questions, the probing and the response will be guided by the careful listening in the process. Then you can move on to informing the person, understanding the problem, and sharing and integrating what they are saying with answers from the Word of God, or you can move if necessary into confrontation.

You can begin to confront the person that he is not being faithful to Biblical principles, and then shape for him some actions to be taken in his life to build new habits and get rid of the old. Your goal is to make Christ manifest in his life. (Col. 1:28; Eph. 4:22-24; Col. 3:1-4)

The Counselor must be committed to continuous support. The counselee must be provided with ample support to be encouraged that the need or problem in his or her life can be met. Hope must be given by that continuous support. He needs to be phoned, encouraged, and strengthened by the continuous manifested concern of the counselor. We must be sure that the person is experiencing "ongoing" victory over the problem. Paul spoke of "travailing night and day" and of "travailing until Christ be formed in you." (I Thess. 2:9; Gal. 4:17) He knew what it meant to give continued support and show constant concern, both in action and in his prayer life for others. The counselee must sense that there is genuine compassion for him in his needs.

Initially the Counselor must provide an atmosphere of love and acceptance. It makes a big difference if the counselee senses that there is no prejudice toward him no matter how serious the matter, or how awful the sin, and the failure in the life. Counselors must be careful that they are not surprised about anything. While on one hand we must hate the sin, we must show love toward the sinner. The gospels often portray Christ in His love and acceptance toward hated sinners, and often He ate with them, and also ministered to them. Even the woman taken in adultery knew His love and acceptance, not of her sin, but toward her person as He sought to meet her need.

There must be effort toward problem clarification. What are the problems, the difficulties that are to be faced by the counselee? What is the real problem and not just the surface things or the symptoms? So often the person in need does not know what his problem really is. He is blind to the "root causes" which produced the conditions and circumstances. We must have the direction of the Holy Spirit, wisdom of God, and direction particularly of the Word of God that we might be wise in

The next thing is to move to action; homework duties must be given to the client. There is work that must take place as the counselee brings about change! A designated action program is needed that will help the client to deliver himself from the problem.

IMPORTANCE OF MOTIVES AND INVOLVEMENT

Our motivation is so extremely important. For what reason do we desire to work with people in a counseling situation? I hope that the reader understands that every Christian is to "admonish, exhort and encourage one another" but there is a special ministry of counseling for which some are called of the Lord to equipment themselves. What should be the motivations of any who labor to help others?

Some valid motives would be love for people, and a desire to help for God's glory and honor. (Gal. 6:1) As we bear the burdens of others, we are helpful to others, pleasing to God and it should be fulfilling to us as well. But especially to see God magnified in the lives of others should be our main concern, that HE is glorified by their lives. (Eph. 1:12, II Thess. 1:10-12)

There may be a number of misconceptions about the counselor's role that give rise to common problems

Others may feel that counseling is giving advice. So they quickly get involved in giving someone advice and they go away from that advice giving situation thinking that they have given someone counsel. In this scenario there is a kind of hastiness that gives rise to disrespect toward the other person. The person who is involved too quickly will probably practice inattentiveness to what the other person is trying to say. If we are going to be involved in counseling we must 1) learn how to be present in the counseling situation; 2) focus on what the other person is saying,and 3) give real attention to them so that they know we respect them and are sincerely desirous to help them and are interested in them for whom they are.

Sometimes people see the counselor's role as being a judge. For they think that the counseling ministry is a service of passing judgment or rendering some decision on some action or thought that the counselee had. Such people will enter into the counseling field with a tremendous judgmental spirit; they will often overwhelm the client with their judgments. Judging or making discerning decisions on how to help the client is a part of the counseling process. But we are in great error if we think our main task is to pass judgment on the other person, or on their actions, thoughts, motives, etc.

Then there are those who feel counseling is "telling all your know". They overwhelm the person in need with twenty five answers for their problem and they feel so grand for having so many ideas. The client presents the problem and the person doing the counseling gives them everything they can think of in as short a time as they can.... like twenty five verses on the subject that immediately deals with the problem. The counselee sets there and is thoroughly overwhelmed.

He feels like he has been in the presence of someone who has given him a verbal tidal wave of answers or thoughts. He is bombarded with ideas and simply thrown along on the wings of an overwhelming amount of advice. But the counselor feels that he has done a great job.

Such people think that counseling is being directive. Probably the early learner of counseling methods will feel that basically it is just directing the person as to what he should do. The learner often forgets that it is also being interpretive. If it is only giving directions then interpreting the needs of the other person will largely be lost. One of the main things that must take place in counseling is interpreting for the other person the involvements that he has. Think about alternatives, talk about the meaning behind what he is doing. So instead of just giving direction and information be sure that you attempt to generate some insight into his problem so he understands when he leaves why he made the decisions he has made and why he has had the problem that he has experienced. If he does not see "where the problems have come from" or understand the why of the problems and doesn't see the solutions" what value is all the directions or information given? He must understand the roots of the problems and see vividly how to extricate himself and bring about change.

Counseling to others is being emotionally involved in the counselee's problems. They believe that if they are emotionally there for the other person, if they are expressive emotionally as the client talks, or with body language and words express emotional involvement then they are successful counselors. Such individuals feel that with tremendous amounts of emotional involvement with the other person they will be doing a great job in the counseling session. Being emotional themselves they feel that when they show a lot of emotion it will naturally bring success. A counselor probably will be involved emotionally to some degree, but if one is too emotionally involved he will forget to analyze the needs, to be interpretive, and will actually more likely have poor discernment. He will likely forget those things that caused the client to be in the mess he is in, and what is needed to truly help him effect change. Counseling is not just an emotional process but it is a directing, intellectual process in which we seek to help the counselee to understand their case and to bring action to change things.

Then there are those who in counseling are extremely defensive. In this case the counselor feels that he has all the answers and feels threatened if the counselee or client does not agree with him. The counselor may feel that he has the right to be considered "correct" in his analysis and sometimes the counselee may say something to the counselor that may be construed as an attack or a disagreement. The counselor, if defensive by nature, will destroy the whole counseling process if he so reacts.

In conclusion we must stay away from the ideas that counseling is 1) visiting, 2) or just giving advice, 3) making judgment, 4) telling all we know, 5) giving direction or information, 6) being emotionally involved, or, 7) being considered right for this gives me a sense of power and prestige.

There are several aspects of ethical considerations that are involved in the counseling process that need to be considered. These are imperative and deal primarily with confidentiality both when it must be held and when it must or might be abridged or broken.

There is another time when you'd need to break confidence. Suppose that the person is not a danger to himself or herself but is a danger to another person. He is talking about doing great harm or great injury to someone else, or he is already involved in severe abuse of another person, you would need to involved the right authorities and also let them know of your intent and need to divulge the information.

Counseling is a very involved and draining task. Doubtless, when you make a study of the apostle Paul's ministry you realize that he freely gave himself to the need of others and so felt a great burden and emotional drain as he endeavored to bear their burdens. (Gal. 4:17; II Cor. 4; II Cor. 6:4-10) As we involve ourselves in the counseling process with motives that are pure and we properly understand the Biblical task as it is Biblically defined, we will find that it demands our very best. As we attempt to honor ethically the responsibility before us or that we incur in the counseling process it can be a very time consuming and energy consuming task.

It is easy to feel overwhelmed in the counseling process. If one finds it easy to be emotionally involved and begins to open his life, home, office, etc., to people day and night, never turning away anyone at any time, it can easily bring "burn-out" and potentially even personal ruin.

This kind of problem can be solved, but you will need to ask yourself the question, "How did I get into this condition in the first place." Was it because I was overextended, overly involved and overly identified with the role of counseling, and did I become too emotionally involved with the problems others face? There are several things that can be done to over come the problem:

Recognize that you have been involved in a ministry, but not with the Lord. Probably the counselor will have to face the fact that his or her own devotional life has "gone by the board." Much time has been spent with others, but there has been neglect of the strengthening that comes from "waiting upon the Lord" (Isa 40:28-31; 41:10; Isa 26:3). Probably the discipline of a vital, and meaningful devotional walk with the Lord has been neglected. You have been so busy with other's needs you have not taken time with the Lord, or given attention to the study of the Word of God.

The Holy Spirit must become real as the One who gives ability, strength, comfort, leading into all truth, and filling the counselor with the fullness of God. We must exchange emptiness for fullness, stress for peace, anxiety for joy, and a distraught spirit for the fullness of love. We must know experientially the blessing of the Holy Spirit's control and fullness.

As the counselor gets a reputation, there will be more and more difficult situations that will come to his attention. While we may not feel qualified to deal with every kind of crisis situations, there will be many that must be addressed and there is the need of knowledge in a general way about these aspects of problems.

Many times the crisis is existential in that there are existent problems that come with various things faced. This could be anxiety over a death, about being a widow, or about some terrible failure in the life due to some sinful habit, practice, or moral fall. There may be such crisis as you will note in other parts of this study.

How do we help with Crisis Counseling?

You are to attempt to reduce anxiety in and during the crisis. You must attempt to pray with the person (s), for prayer can be a tremendous asset to reduce anxiety the person is feeling. Be a calming influence, site instances of God's faithfulness and help them to see God is able and far more concerned than they are. You must help them see the available sources of strength that are available in God's love, grace and wisdom. Help them to understand the promises and God's great compassion. You must help them to focus the mind and heart on God and HIS love and not on the things producing the anxiety, for the main focus of their mind and heart is so very important in the process of healing. (Isa. 26:3; Isa 41:10; 40:28-31; Psa 27)

We can help the client to reduce anxiety by 1) bringing that calming influence, 2) by focusing on and clarifying the problem and providing answers to the problem at hand, 3) by evaluating resources and bringing them to bear, 4) by pointing out spiritual answers and resources and by 5) helping them see various resources and inner personal resources as they learn to walk with the Lord in the burden that faces them.

The counselor can instill hope. No matter how dark the moment, or the night may seem to be, or no matter how serious the problem is there is always hope. The counselor must know the Word of God well, and bring to light the Scriptures that would give hope. (I Cor. 10:13) God is faithful, and they must see that He will meet them in their hour of need. In every crisis God has enabled HIS OWN to rise above a crisis of any and every kind that has ever been known by mankind. There is nothing we could face but what Christ has faced it also. He would encourage us to "Come boldly to the throne of grace and find grace to help in time of need ( Heb. 4:16,17) .. for He is touched with the feelings of our infirmities." He is able to succor (or save and support) them that are tempted for He is our High Priest. (Heb. 2:18; 7:25) The counselor is there to give hope and to point the needy one to the answers in Christ. You may need to make a referral for that one in need. There are times in the crises that people face you will find it beyond your expertise. It is wise to have a referral list, and to make that referral. If you have someone acting in a bizarre fashion, hearing voices, up one day and down the next with potential of suicide you will need to secure help for them. Maybe they do not want to get out of bed, maybe have a need for medical attention, or have some unbalanced condition, make sure that you seek other professional help. Don't go it alone!

Marriages are falling apart in greater and greater numbers than ever before in our knowledge of the history of our nation. Conflict is almost universal. It not only the problem of bombardment from without but also deterioration from within. Many couples seemingly do not see the need of the application of the Word of God to their problems and lives. The Word of God has a lot to say about marriage counseling, and we need to be effective in our labors with couples. The Word of God says a lot about why people have marital problems. Most of the marital problems are caused by deviation from Biblical truth and standards.

The Scriptures teach us that we should "leave" and "cleave" and "weave" our lives together in marriage or become one flesh. As you look around today folk are not committed to this process of leaving-cleaving and weaving their lives together as one. Some times they do not emotionally leave their mothers and fathers, some times they don't cleave or are not genuinely committed to one another and decide they are going to stick together no matter what. This produces problems. (Genesis 2:23,24; Matt. 19:3-8) (We have a chapter in the book, " Counseling for the Christian Family" that would help immensely in this area.)

There is a lot of inner personal tension that is a part of the early marriage process. This may include a lot of the following items. 1) Love deficiencies, not knowing how to give or receive love; 2) sexual problems, or maladjustments; 3) religious differences; 4) role conflict possibly with little understanding of the role that we are to fulfill, with possibly very poor modeling on the part of parents; 5) Value conflicts, with differing goals, desires and purposes in life; 6) how children are going to be disciplined and led; 7) and conflict over in-laws and who, and when we are going to spend time with each; 8) and then so often there is tremendous conflict over finances and the management of money. There can be a lot of problems generated over these and other problems or issues.

In the area of Communication. In our book, "Counsel for the Christian Family" we have six pages that deal in great detail with this subject. It is full of Scripture, and helpful suggestions and Biblical principles about this very important aspect of daily, family living. With the book is the set of cassette tapes (a total of sixteen tapes which are C-90's) that includes four tapes which gives much detailed help in a seminar and preaching format. In this book we deal with such subjects as "Problems in Communication", "Necessity of Good Communication", "The Purpose of Good Communication" "Principles of Good Communication" and "The Practice of Effective Communication." With this series of studies are questions, and other materials that will aid the couple greatly.

The problem of finances! This is an area where youth (or young couples) need much help! Early in l989 I spent a week at a church in Alabama speaking about fourteen times on the subject of "Managing Money God's Way" With this series of messages of six tapes (twelve messages) is the book of the same title, and also we have other materials and books dealing with how to succeed with money management. One out of every five families today are on the edge of financial ruin. If they missed one pay check they would not be current with their bills, for the average family has over $6,000.00 debt on credit cards alone. This is deep debt.

Sometimes we must help them in the basic issue of husband and wife roles. Do they really have a Biblical role development in their home? Do they really have a sharing of responsibility in the home management? Do they understand God's plan and purpose in the roles of each?

Sometimes there are religious differences. These must be addressed and we must help them to resolve this problem. This can be a divisive thing which can bring great heart-ache. We will have to help them to put into place a process of resolving this conflict. This may take time and a lot of patience on the part of all.

We could help the couple by giving them a set of tapes to listen to, also the book mentioned above would help them in parenting. They need help to approach child rearing Biblically and to come to grips with all aspects. As they become comfortable in managing children in unity they will find it a source of blessing and not a source of division and strife between the two of them. They should desire the best for their children for God's glory.

There are many effects from marital problems that are most disheartening and devastating. We must help them to get out of the bad habits and poor relationships and over the hurtles that destroy. There are many couples where one or the other is confused and depressed about their marriage. And you will see others withdrawing from each other and unwilling to face the need of change or to see the problems that are there.

Counseling one person is a difficult task. But when you counsel a husband and a wife, this is even more difficult. This requires special skills and more special alertness. Marriage counseling has been called one of the most difficult and sensitive of all therapies. Marriage counseling is extremely difficult and requires the very best from the counselor. We must have our own lives saturated with the Word of God, and depend totally upon the Holy Spirit's direction.

There are a number of things to which the counselor must be alert if he or she is going to help the client to the best of their ability. These are essentials in marriage counseling.

The Counselor Must be alert to himself. The counselor must thoroughly understand his own background and responses to various aspects of the marital needs. For example...What is your attitude toward marital problems? What is your attitude toward divorce, do you have a bent to especially take the part or "stand up for" one particular sex? One who is divorced often times will counsel someone to get divorced more readily. If they have been in on a marriage that has failed they are much more tolerant to allow other marriages to fail as well. The counsel had best examine his or her own "bents" in the light of the Word of God.

The Counselor must examine his attitude toward marriage. Is it Biblical? Do you really believe that marriage is for life? That it is a one man-one woman relationship that should last a life time? For we must be squared away on this, for if it is not our attitude then what we feel will "bleed through" in our counseling and we will see couples fall apart! Do you really believe that God can give the victory, no matter the marital problem, or need in the marriage relationships and that the couple can stay together? (Of course we are not addressing here the problems of incest, or homosexuality where there are irreversible problems or possibly physical abuse where the wife's very life is at stake.)

The Counselor must consider if they have prejudice. It is easy to have personal bents, and a frame of reference that comes from our own background and prejudices. Often times we can be drawn into a situation where we take sides. We can be influenced about how the man is treating the wife and be effected emotionally in such a way that we are moved to and prone to take sides. Then we will be unfair and unable to see the issues or the whole picture. Or perhaps you are a male and you feel that the woman in that situation is a real "dud" and you would not want to be married to her yourself and you find yourself taking sides with the man. You only see her flaws and problems and feel that the man deserves more than this, and can only see the problem that he has with her.

As a Counselor you must face the fact that nervousness will show. Are you nervous as you counsel couples? Some is good, but you need to get it under control because people are going to pick up on your nervousness and you need to be confident that with God's help you can do the job and you can help this couple. We need to look at the real issue.....

In Counseling it is best to meet with the couple together. It is always good to have the first meeting at least with both of them present. If you don't you will find that "you are going to be pulled" first this way and then that way. You will receive opposite views and will not know what is right or wrong. So you must determine to meet with them together for a couple of times and really try to get a handle on the dynamics of what is going on between them. Then you can meet with them individually. But if you meet with them individually, up front, you will probably never get the true picture or the whole picture, but be pulled first one way and then another. You must arrive at the big picture of what is truly taking place.

The Counselor must be alert to special issues or problems. As one talks to the couple often there will be questions raised as to who really is at fault here. And what are the real key issues, not the symptoms, but the root problems must be found and faced.

Most people have marital problems because they do not know how to communicate with one another. We must be sensitive to what the real issue is in that counseling situation.

1) You will need to teach the couple how to communicate constructively.

When a couple comes for counseling they are not apt to say something like this: "Would you please help us to communicate constructively?" or "We want you to help us solve problems." or "We want you to teach us how to make decisions or to build a better marriage." This is what one would think would be asked, but seldom is that the case.

As a Counselor, when you decide on appropriate goals then decide on a 'contract' approach. You must establish goals, but that is not enough for out of it must come action.

There must be a definite assignment of something specific to work on for change. The counselor must say, "I want you to do this certain thing this week." Or "Here are the things which I am assigning you to work on this week." You probably must contract with the couple or the client. It is best to contract with the marital team and say, "Here are the things that I want both of you (or one person) to agree to accomplish this week in specifics, for these are certain things for both of you (or one person) to contract with me that you are going to do this coming week." "There is a behavior change needed and I want you to concentrate on this to bring about that change this week."... could be the approach of the counselor. This must become something very definite that will take place in their lives.

We must be careful as to how we establish goals. Goal setting is naturally a part of the "contractual approach" wherein we have the client (or couple) affirm their willingness to work on definite aspects to bring about change. This same method can be used with children of grade school age, high school, or single young adults in order to help them face certain things that they must work on to bring about change in behavior patterns and character weaknesses that need to be changed. So we must be sure that 1) the goals are reachable; 2) that the goals are manageable as you give them the tasks; 3) that they understand the goal (s) and it is clear in their minds. They need to visualize the change that they want to effect or bring about. It would helpful to get them to set goals with you and actually visualize how they are going to respond in certain situations where they have had wrong and sinful responses. This means to think through a given situation similar to where they are responding wrongly and verbalize with you how they are going to bring about change.

As a Counselor we must have the right focus. If we are going to meet the need of the client then we must have the focus first on the person. You must focus on their burdens, needs and concerns. As they come out of the counseling session they must leave with the conviction that you really understand them as persons. She must feel that you understand where she is coming from and he must feel you understand where he is coming from. This is very important, for if one of them goes out feeling that you "ganged up" on them or that you understood their partner but you did not understand them there will be tremendous problems helping them. One will want to come back and the other will not be willing to return. So help them to know that you 1) understand them, 2) love them, 3) and are equally concerned for them and want to see them healed in this situation. We must spend enough time asking questions, getting feed-back, and know the kind of questions to ask so that we do truly understand them. Then we must focus on the problems. Don't get so caught up in their anger, frustrations, and their communication patterns that you lose sight of their problems. Be sure you focus on the problems, and "zero in" on how you are going to work with them to help them work through the problem. Watch how they relate to each other in the process of things shared with you. See how they try to communicate and interact with each other. Notice how they handle disagreements. See how their perceptions vary and how they criticize each other. This will help you to partly understand the source of problems and the extent to which they are not properly relating. Do they "tear" at each other or do they have an ability to be sensitive and constructive in their conversations? Also with this you must focus on the solutions, or the plan of action. You must work out the process by which you are going to endeavor to bring them to the solutions needed in their situation. Make sure the plan of action is concrete, that it is "bite size" and that they understand exactly what you want them to do in their assignments to bring about change. Get them reading, applying Scriptures, understanding the background of the problem, and working through the process to effect change. You will want to effectively accomplish helping them through a healing process in their relationships.

There may be a denial going on between the couple. They are just ignoring and/or explaining away evidences of tension that are there, not being willing to face it they rationalize that it does not even exist. This is a serious warning signal. You may have a husband that is saying, "Well, I don't really think that it is very serious and in fact she is over-reacting for I don't think we even have a problem." You must deal with this denial. This often takes place on the part of one of the marriage partners. Nothing can ever change as long as there is denial and nothing will ever be faced and dealt with.

There may be a detached attitude which is an obvious warning signal. This will probably be manifested as an "indifferent, I don't care response" to all that you seek to do and to the problem that the couple have. One or the other, or both mates could possibly respond in this manner. With this is usually a defensive attitude as well. This kind of thing is evidence of more serious problems or can lead to more serious problems than they already have. If a person gets detached, often they will completely withdraw from communication, and you have little to work with when every one is closed off from communication. If they, or one, completely withdraws you will have a tremendous problem reaching out to them. Then they might even begin to attack the counselor or give up and become ambivalent or just totally give up and not seek any help.

As a counselor you must understand their past lives prior to their marriage.

I am afraid that many who counsel never consider with any seriousness the past that makes up a life. We are all the product of our past. We still are very responsible before God with how we have reacted to all the events, deeds, words, and crisis, etc.,of that past. Many a person takes into his marriage the bitterness, resentments, hostile attitudes, etc. he had toward sisters, brothers, parents, and others and then he is "prone" to respond toward his mate in the very same way as earlier in the life.

They have a "learned sinful response" that is going to be there toward their mate. Now they treat their mate that God has given them with bitterness, and resentment. When their mate responds sinfully against them as others did earlier in their experience they treat their mate even worse than they did others in the past for they feel greater freedom to do so. They must be faced with their sinful responses that are still there from the past. They must be confronted with the sinful attitudes that are held in the heart and mind. They have to see and understand with an acceptance about the past that they are responded this way because they did not deal properly with the past. So they will never be set free from present sinful responses until they also deal with the past in repentance and reconciliation toward those against whom they have responded sinfully. This is a must! Dr. David Seamand's book, "Healing From Damaged Emotions" would be very good at this point.

COUNSELING TO PREVENT MARRIAGE PROBLEMS

Earlier in this book we set forth briefly that God wants to use many in "His Church" to counsel others. This is so true for many could be involved in helping couples to prevent marriage problems. Sunday School teachers, deacons, leaders of home Bible classes, etc., could and should help the young married to form Biblical principles early in their marriage experience. And we should help the youth of the church that they might be spared from many problems in the first place. Much could be done to set forth Biblical truths for the youth in our churches.

We should teach youth what God says about marriage, sexuality, etc. Every chance we have we should teach young people in the church what God says in His Word about marriage, sex and the principles that would apply to these aspects as well as dating, etc.

We must teach principles of communication. There will be some confrontation and conflict. They must learn how to manage conflict in such a way as to bring "gain out of pain". Not all conflict is bad when it brings resolution, growth, maturity, and helpful, victorious ends. It all depends upon how we approach the conflict and how we respond in it and through it. The couple must be taught to understand the "language of the partner", for each person communicates differently. They must learn to be compass Senate, avoiding "blame making" statements and learn to listen sympathetically. People need to be taught from the pulpit and in the classroom as well as in the home how to communicate effectively and lovingly. There is a tremendous amount in the Bible about communication. In the Song of Solomon chapter two there is a positive communication cycle that takes place there. We would do well in heeding the conversational, positive statements in that portion of Scripture that will really build the marriage.

Marriage is the most intimate of all human relationships and God wants it to be good. The marriage is to be a beautiful model of Christ and his Church. Christian counselors who know the Biblical marriage techniques are best qualified to help the couple attain Biblical insights and answers. God can use us to heal marriages and we as counselors can have a rewarding ministry.

COUNSELING THE ADOLESCENT

There are many questions we have about adolescents and it is even hard at times to determine what an adolescent is and what we should do for them as well as what their real needs might be.

As we think about this period of life it is good to remember that this period of youth is divided into three phases. There is early adolescence, middle adolescence and later adolescence. The Bible has a lot to say about adolescence, but, of course the word does not appear in the Word of God and the word didn't come into use until about l905 or l910. Adolescence was probably not recognized as a separate part of human development until about that period of time. At the turn of the century the adolescent began to have many new freedoms which brought the need for a label that would designated the significance of that group and period of personal development.

The period of early adolescence. Early adolescence is the time that begins at about the age of ten or eleven and runs through the junior-hi school years. (11-14) It begins with a burst of biological changes that often times cause anxiety, bewilderment and sometimes delight for the adolescent. This is the time the child often begins to feel awkward, self-conscious and many times very dissatisfied with their physical appearance. They think they are never going to look normal again. Their arms get long and their legs get long but their body seems to stay short, pimples bring to appear on their faces and they seriously question whether they will ever be normal again. All the changes become a problem to them, and bring bewilderment and concern, especially when so often they are the brunt of jokes both at home and at church, or even snide remarks that degrade their person.

Many insecurities develop during this time. They are changing from sixth grade and going into junior-hi and so often they feel so extremely insecure about making this move and the pressures that will be there. There is a kind of developmental close "chumship" that often develops during this period. It is great when this "chumship" is with one or both of the parents. But they generally become very intimate with their friends and normally at this point it is the same sex friend. Girls form very close relationships and boys form very close relationships. There is always the possibility of hero worship and crushes on the opposite sex that comes into being during this period as well.

Peers begin to occupy a greater portion of their time than ever. In fact sometimes in particularly negative situations the peer relationships can become overwhelming. It may seem to the parents that they are actually losing their child to these peer relationships. It is natural for most youth that peer relationships become of greater significance during this time of their development. This is why as a parent or as a counselor it is extremely important that you help them to have the right kind of peers as their personal close friends. They need to be especially close to some peers who are going to help the adolescent maintain good values. You should get involved in a good church, and good youth groups are extremely important where young people really love the Lord. It does not need to be the masses of youth, but at least two or three other young people who are going to be the peer group and who will support the Biblical value system that is important to you as parents.

Dating and other relationships to the opposite sex become crucial during the middle adolescence period. It is extremely important the parents work through their values and standards with reference to dating. Therefore make firm decisions first as parents. These things ought to be thoroughly taught to bring convictions prior to the time of dating so that the youth will be spared from actions, etc., that would bring heartache and potential ruin. Those who are teaching, or are parents, and give counsel to youth must have firm convictions of their own if they are going to help the youth. If you let a young couple go out on a date and there is no standard and no value that is placed on what time they are going to come home they will come home very late. You will be very unhappy and they will be very miserable about the confrontation that will probably take place. So make sure that standards are in place and they have convictions so by the time they reach this period of life they know what is going to be allowed and what is not going to be allowed.

Middle adolescents find themselves faced with going to college, finding a job, leaving home and taking responsibility upon their own shoulders for their lives, future, goals, purpose, priorities, etc. It is often hard for parents to cut the apron strings so the parents will need to be encouraged and sometime counseled about these matters. The teens need help and direction as they make God honoring decisions, and seek His will. (Eph. 5:17; 5:10; 6:6; Col. 4:12) Help them set Biblical standards for their lives.

The last stage is what we would call late adolescence. This is the period of time between graduation from high school (at about 18) and the 22, 23, or 24 year old age group.

There will be personal plans for the future. Many will be thinking about marriage, and/ or moving into a career. They need Biblical counseling and loving direction which can be extremely helpful during this period of time. But you will need to be careful as a parent or as a counselor that you do not get into a situation where you are judging them, or possibly devaluating their choices! Your direction can be extremely helpful, but it must be discreetly given. If you devaluate them and their choices while giving information, etc., you are going to set up a hostile relationship and that is not the kind of thing that you want to do. They need your sympathetic understanding and heart felt listening.

The Bible has a lot to say that is applicable to all stages of the youth's development. The Word of God does speak to young men and women giving them very definite direction and instruction for their lives.

Youth are counseled to "flee" from certain things. The Word of God clearly urges the youth to flee certain things as the basic answer when temptation comes and the urges to sin are there.

They are to 1) flee youthful lusts, (II Tim. 2:22); 2) flee fornication, (I Cor. 6:18), for the Greek word means all kinds of sexual sins; 3) flee idolatry or the allowing of idols of any kind including covetousness, (I Cor. 10:14; Luke 12:15); 4) flee these things, (I Tim. 6: 9,10) and "following after righteousness, godliness, faith, love, patience, meekness." (I Tim. 6:11,12) 5) flee strangers, (John 10:5) or false and wrong kind of leaders. If our teens, during the various stages of their development will apply the Scriptures and truly seek to "flee" as God commands, much of the failure and fall into sin would be alleviated. God means exactly what HE says, and that is "to flee" as the answer to temptations. We are to literally run from and stay away from areas of potential temptations and failure. Those who work with youth must help them to make this a habit of their lives.

Young people are urged to be submissive to their elders. (I Pet. 5:5) And in Titus 2:4 the late adolescent is admonished to love their mate and to be taught by the old generation to fulfill God's will and desires for their lives. The young men are to be taught to be "serious minded, in all things shewing thyself a pattern of good works; in doctrine shewing uncorruptness, gravity, sincerity, sound speech, that cannot be condemned..." ( Titus 2:6-8) The aged women are to teach the young women certain things .."to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children, to be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed." (Titus 2: 4,5) In I Peter 5:5-7 they are exhorted to humble themselves under the mighty hand of God.

There are many things that the word of God has to say to adolescent and they are designed to speak to them where they are apt to have particular problems. The counselor, youth worker and parent must be very familiar with the Scriptures, make a thorough study of the word of God looking for applications to daily living, and have firm convictions so that they can indeed help the young people of today in this difficult age and rampant sin on every hand.

What are the areas where youth are experiencing their greatest problems as they move through the teens years into the early twenties? What are the causes of the problems for those adolescent years?

Sexual changes are also taking place at a very rapid pace. The emotional changes that accompany the hormonal changes are times that can bring about feelings of fear, confusion, anger, hostility, or great temptation. There may be guilt and depression over sinful thoughts and acts. We need to be sensitive to the whole area of sexual change. Youth at times worry a lot about the sexual changes taking place within their bodies. They may worry about whether they are normal and whether they measure up to the other standards of adolescents in society and in their peer group. We need to be extremely encouraging. Those who work with youth must do everything in their power to help them embrace the Biblical admonitions to holy living. (II Tim. 2:22; I Thess. 4:3-7; I Cor. 5:9-11; 6:8-20)

Many teens (and those in early twenties) struggle with self identity or with self-esteem and self-image. This can cause a lot of problems during the adolescent years as they wrestle with who they are, and how they feel about themselves. If they have a poor self-image because of the way they were treated by parents and other authority figures while in their childhood they will naturally have some deep problems during these years that may well bring tremendous problems in their adults years as well. For the saved person our self-image and self-identity should be "wrapped up" in what we are and what we have in Christ Jesus. Our acceptance is in Christ, and in Him and because of Him we can rejoice in the fact of unconditional love. (Eph. 1:6; John 15:9; Col. 3:1-4; II Cor. 1:30)

There are many ways that these problems effect adolesences. And you will find there will be a variety of responses to these problems on their part as well. We will consider some of the more common effects of problems on the adolescent.

For some it is the opposite as they "act out" their problems. So now instead of holding in the adolescent begins to act out the problems. A lot of drinking, drug abuse, lying, stealing, violence, crime and gang behavior is related to the fact that the adolescent is experiencing a tremendous amount of turmoil and he or she is acting out their frustrations. Often if the inner needs would be met and the youth would have a good self-image and good relationships with the authority figures in their lives they would never have come to this kind of action. Too often parents are too busy and neglect their youth, do not keep the lines of communication open and the young person is acting out their sinful ways to try and hurt the parent for the many things that have caused them pain. They perceive that they are not loved and the parent does not really care for them or what happens to them.

Then there are those who stick with their problems. Many adolescents, I think the majority of them, will have some times when they act out, some times when they run away, and some times when they hold in, but most of them will stick with the problems and will resolve the problems. At times they do "act out" in anger, frustration, etc., and then mentally there are times when they "do run away", not physically so, but inwardly, mentally, and spiritually there are times they run from the issues they face. But most of them do face them, they will talk them over with their friends or trusted adults, they will react to failures by trying harder next time. They will learn from their mistakes and they will move through the period of adolescence in a relatively smooth fashion provided they have the Biblical help and much encouragement to grapple with their problems, and they have the "role models" that will strengthen such action. Maybe it does not seem smooth to the adults but it is smooth compared with what many teens are doing in the ruination of their lives today.

Between the parents and their teenager there are often feelings of confusion, disappointment, hurt, anger, anxiety and even much guilt.

Often the adolescent will have questions. But those questions will be heightened if parents meet those questions with a real spirit of criticalness or over legalistic or in a judgmental posture. The counselor must encourage the parents to manifest a high degree of spiritual maturity and to be careful in how they work with the youths.

As stated and covered elsewhere as a counselor you will need to get into "problem identification". You will need to encourage the youth to talk about the issues that may be involved such as: school, leisure activities, their home, their parents, their religious life and experiences, their plans for the future, their dating, their sexual problems if there are such, their likes and their dislikes, their worries, their relationships with siblings, etc. You must try to get into all of these aspects as you dialogue with the adolescent. Try to be a friend instead of an interrogator. Don't get so heavy into questions that you look like an investigator, or private detective. Show your desire to listen and be alert while listening to what the person has to share.

There are a number of Biblical truths that need to be considered. The youth needs to understand if he or she is really a Christian. Does he really understand Biblical grace, Biblical forgiveness? Does God seem to him (in his mind) to be sort of a cosmic policeman? If the person is not saved, then seek to lead them to Christ. We need to clarify God with the young person. For probably they have some very false concepts which they have clung to over the years. Clarify grace, sin, clarify the "sowing and reaping" process (Gal. 6:7-9) putting much emphasis upon this aspect if you know they are truly saved, and help them understand the importance of considering what they are sowing, and what their harvest is and will be. Clarify the importance then of personal choices, clarify forgiveness and make sure that by the time he leaves the counseling relationship he thoroughly understands all these Biblical concepts and how to deal with temptation and have personal victory in it all.

1. There are times when "one on one" counseling with the youth is the most effective.

Build a strong foundation in their childhood. There are things that we can do to help prevent problems in the first place. One of the most important aspects is what I call "Preventive Discipline". This is dealt with more thoroughly in the book..."Counsel for the Christian Family" and in the taped message of the section about "Rearing Children". We need labor to build conviction in the first place so that the youth has such strong convictions that they are spared from sin when certain temptations come into their lives as a result of the maturing years. This is done by encouraging, admonishing, training, teaching, exciting, enticing, exhorting, etc., unto the end to bring strong convictions based on the word of God. (Prov. 2:1-11; 3:1-8; 4:1-3; 4:10-13; 4:20-23; 6:20-23; 7:1-3)

They need a lot of inner-personal support. The church and the Christian school can stimulate good friendship. Give direction, give spiritual teaching, help them to establish the right kind of friends and have the right kind of fun. Help the youth to be involved with a peer group that you like as a parent and are associated with yourself. Choose your children's friends, you can't always do it blatantly or forcefully, but you can do a lot of that "under the table" so to speak, as you help them to develop the right kind of friends. More than any other reason youth go astray because of the wrong kind of close buddies, pals, of friends. If their peer group are unsaved, sold out to sin and the world, you can be sure your child will be greatly influenced by such a group.

You will need to find out if these people really want to change for you must determine their true attitude. Maybe they just want a "quick fix" from immediate financial pressure but do not really want to apply Biblical principles over the long haul. Nothing good is really going to happen out of all the counseling unless they truly want to change. If they do want to bring about change, congratulate them, and point out that it may take a while to overcome their financial problems. Most people who have serious financial pressures have dug themselves into quite a hole and you are not going to be able to dig them out of that difficulty overnight.

Financial matters are to be viewed realistically and Biblically. Christ described the man whose whole life was lived to accumulate wealth. But he died unprepared to meet God and left all his precious possessions to someone else. Jesus called that man a fool. There are people today whose lives are centered on money. This will often produce tragic consequences such as suicide, insanity or deep depression.Therefore we need to help people understand that money should be used wisely during the days of our lives and that we need to have a right perspective about material things. Money and material things are very temporary and ultimately will not satisfy or bring happiness or stability. Money soon fades away, money is neither wrong or evil, but the love of money, and what it can purchase, is the root of all evil. Dependence upon riches rather than dependence upon God is clearly wrong. (I Tim. 6:6-19)

The client or counselee needs to understand that the wrong attitude about money and finances can be harmful. The love of money, the over absorption with getting money can prevent men from turning to Christ, and can also stifle spiritual growth in the life of the believer.Wealth can lead us to forget God. Solomon said, "Better is a handful with quietness that to have both hands full with vexation and toil." The protection of wealth or material substance can be a great trial to those who are rich. If we have money and cannot sleep, if we have both hands full and we are filled with vexation and toil, then the Bible shows us that this kind of greed and over emphasis on money can lead to all kinds of inner-personal tensions.

Money needs to be managed wisely. Many have the idea that if we just had more all would be okay. Problems can take place at every level of financial ability, so it is not just a case of not having enough money. It is basically mismanagement of what we do have that is the problem. Most think that if they just had more, then all problems would cease. But most do not find that to be the case. For even if they had a million they might soon have financial problems. The real problem is being materialistically minded, having a covetous heart and a greedy inclination. (Luke 12:15; Eph. 5:1-8) Lot had a heart filled with covetousness desires, as was also the case in Achan's life, Cain's life, and many of whom Christ spoke in the Gospels. The results in Lot's family were devastating as his righteous soul was vexed from day to day because of his covetousness desires. His decisions were made based on financial gain. It would be wise for us to make a very thorough study of Luke sixteen, and note the application of the purpose of managing the "unrighteous mammon" for God's glory and honor. We need to make a decision to be "good stewards". (I Cor. 4:2) Our resources should be gained honestly, they should be looked upon as a gift from God and the major issue for money and wealth is concerned in the issue of stewardship.

The one who gives, who is a good steward, who considers all to be God's and lives in the light of these truths will also have God's blessings. (see Luke 6:38; II Cor. 9:6-8)

Family and marital problems become tremendously enlarged as the finances are just totally out of hand. There can be a loss of respect for one another and there can be such concern about all the debt that it just literally monopolizes the energy and time of both of the spouses. Then there is fighting and arguing in the marital relationship, the children are seeing a very bad model of what parenting is all about all because of bad financial management. The bickering, blame-shifting, hostility and anger that can be manifested over mismanaged finances can totally ruin a home and destroy a marriage. Few things can have any great devastating effect on a marriage, as national surveys tell us that forty percent of all divorces take place because of the effect of financial troubles that can consume those involved.

Then friends are also often lost as money is borrowed. There can be a lot of hard feelings between those who were once dear friends because money was borrowed but never repaid. One talks the other into having a part in some "get rich quick" scheme and both loss all their money and of course they lost their friend as well. There can also be a lot of guilt and a lot of envy and jealousy. Guilt is there because the person knows he is not managing his financial resources the way he should. And there can be envy and jealousy of others thinking they really are not worthy of your friendship. There are feelings that the other person is crooked and taking advantage of you.

We must be prepared to help those who are struggling with financial mismanagement. There are many as indicated by the number who are taking out bankruptcy these days. It is said that one out of every five families are on the abyss of financial ruin.

We must help them to seek Divine Guidance and bring about change where that is needed. The counselor must pray for direction in order that God's wisdom and God's assistance might be realized in solving the problem. With God's guidance there will probably need to be some major reconstruction in the terms of handling money. The counselor must get into the de-habituation and re-habituation process with the counselee. (In another section of this book we deal with building habits and changing habits.) Paul lays down some basic principles in Ephesians four about the process of change. They will need to "put off" the old attitudes about money and "put on" right attitudes about money. (See the book on "Managing Money God's Way." ) Many do have the wrong idea about money. They believe that they should be able to spend and spend and everything will turn out right. So many think that they can have unbridled spending with their credit cards and things will turn out right.

The client will need to differentiate between what is necessary and what is luxurious. God has promised to meet all our needs, but not all our wants. It is not what we need that gets us into trouble in this life, but what we think we need. There is a big difference between needs, wants and desires on the part of many.

There must be a right attitude that will balance spending and saving. The client needs to be taught about investments and insurance and the right kind of insurance to have needs met and still be able to have an investment program.

The Counselor must help others to develop and follow a financial plan. First we can help them be getting the facts. This will include having them complete a balance sheet. (note the materials in the book, "Managing Money God's Way" ) What kind of income do they have? What kind of spending habits do they have? What kind of budgeting are they doing? What kind of outgo to they have? This must be the accumulating of facts in a good balance sheet that will give accurate facts.

It must be our desire to help others so that they don't fall into a financial trap. We must labor to help others so they will be prevented from falling into many snares and traps during life that could bring ruin, sorrows, devastation, and great heart-ache.