UNDERSTANDING YOUR ACTIONS AND YOUR EMOTIONS

WHY DO YOU “DO” WHAT YOU DO. . . AND

WHY DO YOU “FEEL”

AS YOU FEEL?



Preface

What is it that makes you Spirit-controlled . . .
or out of control?

Table of Contents

PART ONE


We Do What We DO and Feel As We FEEL . . .

PART TWO

Self-Talk and a Walk by Faith Pg. 22

Self-Talk and Our Problem With Anger Pg. 24

Self-Talk and Our Problem of Worry,
Anxiety, and Anxiousness Pg. 28

Self-Talk and Our Problem With Guilt Pg. 30

Self-Talk and the Problem of Stress Pg. 32

Self-Talk and Assertive Living Pg. 34

WHY DO YOU “DO” AS YOU DO
AND “FEEL” AS I FEEL?

(Read and ponder the following: Prov. 23:7; Isa. 26:3; Matt. 12-33-36; 15:18-20;
Jh. 8:32; Rom. 8:5-8; 12:2; II Cor. 10:3-5; Eph. 4:23)

Introductory Thoughts:

We will study these five words that deal with this subject!

We FEEL What We Feel and DO
as We DO? -- Because of Our PROGRAMMING!

We all have a past! Sometimes the past has to be dealt with for we may be holding on to bitterness, anger, or some other sinful responses to people, events, or circumstances we have faced. The past must be dealt with when sins and failures of the past have not been confessed and forsaken.

There is an endless list of things that make up one’s life, both past and present. All of these things have had an impact upon our lives -- largely from the way we responded to those things and the kind of decisions we made as a result.

What kind of programming did Paul have as he set in jail as seen in Acts 16? What kind of programming did David build in his life that effected him as he dealt with Goliath, or King Saul? Programming includes so many different potential things, such as: when we were saved, type of schooling we experienced, kind of friends we had or do have now, type of TV viewing we allow, things we read, etc.

If we grew up in a family where there was drunkenness, or mental, physical, or sexual abuse we, doubtless, have things that we must overcome from the past.

How are things for you, dear Christian? How are you responding to the events, circumstances and people who touch your life? These three things are the only things that effect our lives on a daily basis. To these three things we often respond sinfully and habitually in the wrong way as we build defeating patterns or habits in our lives which I am calling programming..

Effecting Change:

1. We must recognize and change sinful habits that we have built in the past.

2. We ought to at least partially recognize how others have come to the actions we see in their lives and why they feel as they feel and do as they do!

3. There are habits and patterns of life that we must PUT OFF. Col. 3:8-9

LIST SOME YOU NEED TO PUT OFF!
___________________ ______________________
___________________ ______________________
___________________ ______________________
___________________ ______________________
___________________ ______________________

4. There are habits and practices of life that we must PUT ON. Col. 3:10-14

LIST SOME YOU NEED TO PUT ON!
__________________ _______________________
__________________ _______________________
__________________ _______________________
__________________ _______________________
__________________ _______________________

The Search For Self-Control!

1. What did Christ promise in John 8:32, note also 8:32-26, and why is this so significant?

2. We can only bring out of the treasure of our hearts what we have put in according to Matthew 12:34-36.

3. What have you been putting into that treasury?

4. What has happened in the past that presently has effected your life?

5. What habit or sinful programming from the past do you need to face, reject, and work at removing from your life?

Chapter II

We Do What We Do and Feel as We Feel -- Because
of SELF-TALK PRACTICES!

Recognition of Thoughts and Their Effect on the Life!

Biblical counseling always includes dealing with both the “inner man and the outer man” -- with thoughts and emotions and with words and actions. For a Christian to live a consistent life, his thoughts, emotions, words, and actions must cooperate with the indwelling Holy Spirit.

Christ emphasized the relationship of inner thoughts, understanding, and desire with outer actions and words. (See Matthew 12:34,35.)

In our lives inner thoughts and outer works are intertwined. The outer renewal consists of new ways of behaving that are consistent with biblical principles. But to make this work, there must also be a change in the thinking of the person. Change must take place both in the inner life thoughts as well as the outer life actions. The sin problems of lust, jealousy, envy, bitterness, anger, and pride, for example, must be faced first as thoughts, as well as the outcome produced in sinful practices or actions.

We must recognize that the great battle in life is in the arena of our thought life. We are in a war! (See II Cor. 10:3-5.) The battlefield is the mind. Satan produces a self-feeding system through the thought life. He does this by establishing fortresses of deception which are produced in the thought life. These fortresses stand against the truth of God.

Fortresses of deception are belief systems that are reinforced over years by thoughts, then by the emotions and actions that they produce. This deception becomes self-feeding for as we reinforce thoughts they produce further thoughts about the same lies or misbeliefs.

The Recognition of the Importance of One’s Thoughts!

We need to understand how God made us and how thoughts have such an impact on our daily life. Our thoughts take the form of internalized sentences or what we could call -- self-talk. Thinking is a train of ideas manifesting itself in sub-vocal speech.

A. Self-Talk Practices Include:

Consider:
What kind of self-talk do you think Eve engaged in when tempted by Satan? (Gen. 3) What does Proverbs 23:7 teach us? What is the emphasis in II John and III John and why? What are Satan’s wiles, or darts? What does it mean to think carnally? (See Romans 8:5-8.)

How did the Israelites think as they were going through the wilderness experiences? (See Psa. 106: 7, 12-14, 21, 24-25, Num. 13:30-33; I Cor. 10:9, 10.)
What do you think King Saul was thinking when he was hunting David to kill and destroy like an animal.

B. What We Must Do To Effect Change!

1. To change, we must face the lies that we speak to ourselves.

2. To change, we must recognize the content of the belief system we have built in any given area of area our life where we see the sin and failure.

3. To help our children or spouse (others as well) change we must help them recognize the kind of self-talk they practice.

4. Self-talk can only be changed by our rejection of lies, embracing of truth, and that takes place by the application of the Word of God.
(Jh 17:17; Phil. 4:8; Psa. 139:1-6, 17,18, 23,24; Psa. 15:2)

God Desires Accurate, Truthful Thinking!

1 God desires that we focus on the right things. (See Philippians 4:8 and write in the things we are to think upon.)____________________________________ _______________________________________________________________.

2. As thought life changes, so behavior will change. Truthful thinking will free us from the bondage of sin, satan’s lies, and the practice of self-deception or telling oneself lies which are embraced and practiced. This is what God desires!

3. Lies are often in the form of generalizations, rationalization, and defensive mechanisms. We must face our lies if we are to change.

4. Thoughts can be evil continually as we build some kind of obsession or compulsive behavior in our lives.

5. Sinful imaginations and falsehoods can form strongholds in the mind and then in the will. (See II Corinthians 10:3-5.) Imaginations can includes fears, worries, doubts, and other forms of sinful unbelief which can undermine our Christian walk.

6. The mind is a battle ground where we often fail as we build mental barriers to truth and resist what we see in our own lives.

God Desires a Change in Our Thinking!

1. This can only take place when the Christian chooses to be transformed by the renewing of the mind by the Word of God with resultant change in behavior. (See Ephesians 4:23; Romans 12:2; Colossians 3:8-14.) If I am to change sinful actions, I must be renewed in the spirit of my mind. My thoughts must be brought under God’s control by memorizing and meditating on the Word of God.


2. God desires to set us free from sinful practices. Wrong thinking causes havoc in emotions and generally produces sinful actions and reactions.

3. When a person’s thoughts, feelings, and actions are based on the Bible, he receives wisdom, peace, righteousness, and the blessed fruit of the Spirit.
(Gal. 5:22,23; Prov. 2:1-11.)

4. Change will not come about by trying harder, or just doing your best, or by trying to control your emotions or behavior. Often we try to control our actions without even thinking about the thought processes behind the actions. Without a change in our thoughts we will find it very difficult to change behavior or actions.

5. By God’s grace you must capture your thoughts. What you think generates how you feel. Ideas do have consequences. Your thoughts ultimately determine your emotions. If your emotions are to be securely anchored in Christ and the Word of God then proper thought patterns are absolutely essential. We must think God’s thoughts! To do this we must demolish arguments and every pretense that sets itself up against the knowledge of God and we must take into captivity every device of human reasoning and obey Christ.
(Study II Cor. 10:3-5.)

6. If we are alert and on guard, we will be able to evaluate the thoughts that come into our minds. If we search the Word of God we will be able to compared all thoughts with the truth. (See I John 4:1.)

7. God expects us to change! In order to live a godly life we must capture the thoughts that come from the world, the flesh and the devil. We must demolish any satanically inspired thought process. Submit these evil thoughts to capital punishment. Destroy them with a vengeance. Then we must replace the evil arguments, and satan’s fakery with two mandatory Christian military disciplines: meditation upon God’s Word and implementation of God’s truth in our lives. Are your thoughts God honoring? Purity of thoughts and purity of life goes hand in hand.

8. We must learn to expose ungodly thoughts. We usually allow every thought run its course in our minds without analyzing its worth. We need to ask questions: Is the thought God-honoring? It is speculation? Is a lofty thing raised up against the knowledge of God?

9. It is very helpful to be able to identify thoughts that are not honoring to God. Then we can reject them and replace them with truth. It is helpful to state the thoughts and then to compare them with Biblical truth.

10. Our thoughts are seldom neutral. They either reflect beliefs based on the Word of God, or beliefs based on the world’s values. We must have God’s leadership in perception to identify the source of our thoughts and determine those that are not of Him. (See Phil. 4:8; Rom. 8:5-8.)

Example:
Irrational or sinful thinking produces disaster in the emotional sphere. A good example of this is the person who carries much free-floating anger around with him. As a result he finds the world he encounters also to be angry in order to justify his own feelings of anger. Even in this case, where emotions have influenced thinking, it is evident that it is the thinking element in the original free-floating hostility that needs to be discovered and handled if the person is to live more effectively, victorious, and for God’s glory.


For consideration, discussion and study:

1. Do you recognize that your self-talk greatly influences your daily life?

2. As an assignment, for the next 24 hours take special note of your inner self-talk practices. Notice the negative, critical, sinful inner-thought patterns and you will also notice how these influence your attitudes to life in general.

3. We must recognize that we all build a belief system! And then with that we must recognize that we interpret every situation in life by what we believe. Do you see this in your life? Think it through! It is our belief system, not our situation, that is the key to our response.
So consider what some of your belief systems might be in given areas of your sinful failure!

4. You are challenged to consider the lies you hold on to, and then face those lies with the Word of God.

5. To change you need to prepare a stop card on which you

a. write the lie you need to reject,
b. the truth statement you need to embrace and
c. a verse you will memorize as the Biblical answer.

Chapter III

We Do What We Do and Feel as We Feel
Because of ATTITUDES WE HAVE BUILT!

Consider:

1. Attitudes have to come from some place. They don’t just happen by themselves. Attitudes are a state of mind about something!
2. An attitude is the composite of the way we think and feel about something or someone. One cannot separate attitudes from thoughts.
3. Probably, most of our attitudes are built by 1) what we think about, 2) how we think, and 3) what controls those thoughts.
4. Attitudes reveal what we have put into our hearts.
5. Attitudes are formed in the inner being by how we respond to things about us from the time we are small children.
6. We note the attitudes in the lives of others by their words, actions, and reactions. Our very lifestyle, priorities, value system, and purposes in life reveal the inner attitudes we have toward life in general.
7. Our surrender to the will of God for our lives comes out of our attitude to true discipleship and the claims that God has on our lives.

Consider James 3:13-18

Consider:

What Example of Attitudes Do We Find in Hebrews 3:7-13?

1. We are exhorted to hear His voice, lest we have an attitude of indifference. (3:7)

2. We are exhorted not to harden our hearts, lest we have an attitude of rejection.

3. We are to take heed, lest we have an evil heart of unbelief. (3: 12)

4. We are to exhort one another daily, lest we build an attitude of hardness. (3: 13)


What Kind of Example Do We See in Christ’s Life in Philippians 2:5-11?

1. Christ came to be a servant and He had a servant’s heart. (Cf Matt. 20:28.)

2. We see Christ’s attitude of humility, setting aside His rights, entering completely into servanthood.

3. Christ set aside all His rights as He gave Himself in sacrificial death. He was obedient unto death, even the death of the Cross.



Note:
We must face the past and what we need to change, and reject the sinful reactions we still live from the past. We must take a stand against the wrong of the past if we are to change our present sinful attitudes.
We must recognize that our present attitudes are produced by our inner personal heart evaluations. We build a general outlook on life as a Christian and through this we also produce present reactions and attitudes to things that take place on a daily basis.

Chapter IV

We Do what We Do and Feel As We Feel
Because of EMOTIONS THAT WE EXPERIENCE!

Emotions of themselves are not evil. In fact the reason why the Psalms means so much to us is that the writers of the psalms wrote about the spectrum of every emotion that we will ever experience. We relate to the psalms because the emotions we experience in the vistitudes of life are similar to those the psalmist experienced.
When wonderful gospel songs and hymns are sung we might be moved deeply by the lyrics and their message to our hearts and lives. Years ago, when I was a kid, I heard Kate Smith sing God Bless America as only she could sing it. I was deeply moved by her singing. When a large group sing our national anthem often I am too deeply moved to sing. As a child and youth I remember the hymn singing at our house and my grandfather’s singing, and his love for the hymns of the faith. His great voice, as he sung from the heart, moved me emotionally. Yes, emotions are a part of life in many ways.
God gives us the ability to feel pain, joy, hurts, love, and at host of other emotions. There are the good emotions of the heart produced by the Holy Spirit and godly living. (See Galatians 5:22,23.) And there are the damaging, sinful, defeating emotions that come from sinful practices, failure, guilt, and wrong thinking.
Christ is touched by the feelings of our infirmities. (See Hebrews 4:14-16.) He experienced every kind of emotion we will ever experience with the exception of those emotions that come from guilt and sin. (See Hebrews 5: 7-9.)
In contrast, the evil person is past feeling, (See Ephesians 4:19.) In the last days people will be without natural affection and many other sinful emotional factors will be evident in their lives. (See II Timothy 3: 1-5.)

If you watch the ads on TV you know how this generation puts a high prior on feeling good. And they tell you how you are to reach this goal:

There may be times we seek to insulate ourselves from emotions. Maybe we have been deeply hurt by someone so we endeavor to stay away from that person or any similar circumstances. Not only our perceptions but our evaluations of what we perceive causes our emotions and our reactions which are sometimes so very sinful.

We perceive our own thoughts and memories and evaluate them as well. Emotions do not exist mysteriously in their own right; they are caused. We can have emotional reactions to thoughts themselves by our evaluative self-talk, and out of that we produce many sinful responses which can bring sorrow to many around us.



When a smoke detector goes off we don’t say that it caused the smoke. But we say the detector tells me something is wrong. Our emotions do not cause our thoughts and actions for the most part. But instead our emotions reveal that something has become a stimulus that produced our emotional response (s).

The Emotional Concerns of Each Person

Where Do Emotions Come From?

How Can We Change Hurtful Emotions?

(Study Matt. 6:24-34; Phil. 4:19; 4:6-8.)

We Need to Understand the Pitfall of Living by Feelings!

1. A life based on feelings is an invitation to the sin of disobedience. Our feelings will run counter to what God has desired of us. Most sinful habits are developed by simply following the path of least resistance; we do what we feel like doing or neglect what we don’t feel like doing.
We feel that we can’t be loving because we don’t have any feelings to be loving. We can’t forgive because we don’t feel like forgiving. If we think we have to feel like it or have the right emotional feelings before we do right, we will never do right.

2. A second danger of living by our feelings is that we will tend to derive our doctrinal beliefs from our feelings.
Maybe we believe God is with us because He feels so close. Or there are days when He forsakes us because we feel that He is so far away. (See Hebrews 13: 5,6.) Christ had many kinds of feelings, but He never the lost the joy of the Father’s love. (Consider John 15: 9; Hebrews 5: 7; John 12: 27,28; Matthew 26: 38.) Many people derive their various ideas and perceptions about doctrine or beliefs from their feelings rather than Biblical facts.

3. Living by wrong thoughts and feelings will cause a lot of depression. (Study Psalm 42 and 43.)

4. Living by your feelings will bring about a life of procrastination.

We Need To Understand How Christ
Handled His Feelings!

1. He Admitted His Feelings! (See Matthew 26:38.)

2. He requested the support of His friends and asked them to pray with Him. (See Matthew 26: 36-45.)

3. He knew that His emotional suffering would not separate Him from the Father’s love and approval. (Study John 17.)

4. He knew that blessing would following obedience regardless of what feelings told Him. (Study Hebrews 12: 1-4; I Peter 2: 20-25.)

For consideration, discussion and study:
1. What sinful emotions do you notice in your daily life?
2. What thoughts or self-talk do you notice that is behind your emotional responses, or have an influences on your emotions?
3. Are you willing to reflect upon your sinful emotional actions and reactions and then analyze what is the stimulus to those emotions? In this process you will find thinking that you need to change. A thorough study of Psalm 42 and 43 will help you to see this.
4. Emotions in themselves are not sinful, so what makes them sinful, if and when they are? What are you doing about change?
5. Do you allow your emotions to control you? What can you do about it?
6. List some good emotions of the heart: _________________________________ ________________________________________________________________

We Do What We Do and Feel As We Feel
and It Is Seen In BEHAVIOR THAT WE LIVE OUT!

So why, as a husband, do you DO what you do? Why, as a wife, do you DO what you do? Why do you react as you react? It is a choice you know! So why does your child or teen do as they do and act as they act? Have you found the answers in this series of lessons? You should have!

All of these five things become circular in their effect. Good programming, our godly self-talk thoughts, attitudes, and emotional responses build a changed behavior. The change in behavior in one area helps us to change our programming, thoughts, etc., in still another area and we gradually have tremendous change.
By the same token, we can have a spiraling downward response of worse and worse sinful practices and worse and worse godless results in all four of the foregoing aspects that make up our lives. It is a choice!

How Do We Bring About Change?

Some Barriers to Changing Our Behavior!

Three Facts We Must Remember If We Are to
Change Our Behavior!

1. In every aspect of the Christian life there is God’s part and my part.

2. God will never do my part.

3. God does His part WHEN I am in the process of doing my part.

Three Essentials for Change! (Eph. 4:22-24, Col. 3:8-14)

Thought Patterns Can Be Changed, and We Must Change Them!

Behind our behavior then are the thoughts that gives us impetus to do what we do and to feel as we feel!
What are you thinking? How often have you been asked that question? And how many times have you answered, “Oh, I don’t know.”
At this moment, you probably are not very aware of the thoughts that are actually producing your behavior, your emotions, your life. You see, so many of our thoughts are so automatic, so subconscious, that we are not even aware of them. It is like riding a bicycle. In the beginning we are very aware of every usage of the handle-bars as we steer first this way and then that. We were very conscious of falling and probably talked to ourselves about what we were doing. But after we gained experience balancing the bike we automatically steered without any conscious thoughts.
Most attitudes and behavior are learned in this same way. Your responses to conflict, ways of showing love, our expressions of anger, are all motivated by subconscious self-talk. Some of these inner thoughts are constructive and helpful with positive behavior resulting from them. But other inner thoughts motivate us to engage in self-destructive, and sinful actions that hurts others as well.

How Can We Be Helped By Facing Our Thought
Patterns?

The Scripture promise that sinful, wrong thinking can be changed to truthful, Biblical thinking for our thoughts need to be Christ-like and pleasing to Him!

Change must take place or we will continue in our sinful ways. If we allow deceptive thoughts these will become self-feeding for as we feed on our thoughts, we will produce further thoughts about the same lies or misbeliefs. This in turn will defeat us. We must work simultaneously on changing both our thoughts and our sinful habits. If we continue sinful self-talk lies these lies will increase. We will insulate ourselves from change as we rationalize and in the process delude ourselves into the idea that we have no sin to forsake.

So IF we will work at changing our programming or habits of the past, and self-talk practices we will then effectively change -- our attitudes, emotions, and our present and future behavior! Behind our problems we will find the impact of our daily thoughts!

May we work toward personal victory as we daily
bring our thoughts under God’s control
and as we work at replacing sinful
practices with godly ones!

PART TWO

Specific Application Areas To
Our Daily Lives!

I. Self-Talk Practices and Our Walk by Faith!

1. Do you speak words or have inner-thoughts that manifest faith or doubt?

2. Do you reject inner negative self-defeating thoughts? Do you ever really honestly consider what your thought practices include?

3. Do you act upon Christ’s Words by faith. His promises are to be yea and amen to the glory of God by us! (See II Cor. 1:20.)

4. Have you considered that thoughts of unbelief bring actions that manifest unbelief in God’s power? In times of difficulty, trials, and crisis do you say things to loved ones that evidence an unbelieving heart? What you do say shows what you have in your belief system.

5. Do you practice repeating God’s promises to yourself, in the inner man, and thus embrace God’s clear promises and honor Him in a walk by faith? The focus of our thoughts and meditations makes all the difference in the world.

II. Our Self-Talk and a Practice of Anger!

Common Misbeliefs Connected With Anger

The Truth About Anger

1. Anger is not always bad or sinful. Christ experienced anger! The simple emotion of anger is not always harmful or unloving. It is what causes you to be angry and what you DO when you are angry that has moral significance. (Eph. 4:26.) What we DO when angry is where the sin comes in. We should not allow ourselves to remain angry by continuing our destructive, resentful self-talk. God tells us to deal with our anger and its issues promptly. It is true that most of the time we do sin when we are angry. God gives us many definite prohibitions against living an angry life, or allowing anger to control us.

2. Sometimes it is better to express the anger! Christ expressed anger but in such a way that He dealt with sin. He was angry at SIN and not in a sinful way. When anger is manifested (or handled) correctly (not in a hateful or vengeful way) it can bring good results. Our problem is that we are seldom angry without sinning and hurting others in the process. And we don’t get angry at the right things -- such as pornography, abortion etc. It is HOW we express the anger and over what that makes the difference. Matthew 18:15-17 tells us what to do when a brother has offended us. We are to go to him, not screaming at him or persecuting him, but telling him in love how he has offended us.

3. Anger does not mean we have a right to yell, throw things, or have other intemperate behavior. If aggressive behavior is rewarded or encouraged, the aggression will increased. Our emotions are not some kind of gas or fluid that we must expel in order to prevent blowing apart in a million pieces.


4. You DO NOT have a right to be angry when another person does not live up to your expectations. You do have a choice whether or not to remain angry.

There shouldn’t be a necessary connection between the behavior of another person and your anger. It does not matter how fairly, unjustly, or thoughtlessly someone has behaved toward you. You are angry because of your own self-talk. You must say, “I made myself angry. No one forced me to be angry or remain in a stew over their behavior. I did this to myself.” We tell ourselves in words, images, and attitudes the very things that cause us to feel the anger.

5. Anger is behavior! Anger is responses of your body and mind to a stimulus. When the stimulus is withdrawn, or we by God’s grace willing receive the things as God-allowed, and if we do not continue to tell ourselves how unfair and unjust the treatment has been and how miserable we are because of it, then the angry responses will cease. It is not essential to our mental health to express anger by shouting, screaming, punching, etc. God tells us to control our emotions! (See James 1: 19,20.) So often we get angry over people, events, or circumstances that we do not like. . . we want our wills to be fulfilled, our agenda done.

6. It is not dreadful or even especially unusual if others do things I don’t like or fail to treat me as well as I treat them. We waste our time, energy, and thought when we brood over the offenses of others.

When Anger Is Normal!

1. When it is a simple brief, emotion, anger is normal. When it is something that affects us because it is a response against our person, conviction, self-worth, or against someone we love -- then brief anger is normal.
When the anger explodes into a
a. rage, stewing,
b. passive-aggressive reaction,
c. bitterness, and a desire for revenge,
d. or not dealt with and put away before the night comes and we continue to be moved by that emotion -- IT HAS BECOME SIN.
If the anger does not bring positive ends, it will end in further sin.

2. None of us can go through life without ever having had the emotion of anger! When we tell children never to be angry, we are telling them an impossible thing! If we do this when they are angry, they will learn to practice self-deception, pretend they are not angry, deny it, suppress it, and that will bring untold problems in every way in their lives and in the lives of others. They will not learn how to deal with their anger in godly, righteous ways.

When Anger Is a Problem!

Anger is a problem when we lie in our self-talk and play like we are not angry or believe our lies about it. We might say, “I should never get angry.” This misbelief leads to self-deceptive words of “I am NOT angry,” when one is quite plainly saying and doing hostile angry things and even hurting others. The internal conflict and destructive behavior then becomes hard to interpret, identify and control.

Christian are often prime targets of such deception. Many think they must be perceived as always nice, always smiling, laughing, saying nice things, when possibly they are furious inside, refusing to confront the truth in their lives. Christians, often hurting, cover up with religious sounding words, smiles, grins, shrugs, and silence, and play the part of not being angry.

The Healthy Way to Express Anger!

Maybe you know someone who is chronically angry. They are always nursing a grudge, ready to ignite any minute. These people have one common trait -- they are uncommunicative and withdrawn. They are reluctant and shy about expressing their desires truthfully and openly. They are fearful of simply telling someone else what hurts them or how they have been offended.

You need to go to that person honestly and openly without accusing or manipulating the person. Prayerful, assertive, loving confrontation that uses no harsh or hurtful words or actions can bring a dramatic change.

When Someone Else IS Angry at YOU!

We live in a world where many times we have to face anger in someone else. What should we do? Here are some ways to deal with the anger of others.

1. Don’t be angry every time someone is upset with you. You can cope with it effectively, it is not a disaster. Allow others to fail without feeling you need to respond adversely.

2. Don’t shape your behavior just to prevent others from getting upset with you. They might anyway! When they do, it is their problem, not yours. Just be sure you are doing right! You need to stand for and live for truth and still be a witness.

3. Be careful not to reward the angry outburst of others. Ignore them when they yell at you, but be very attentive when they speak reasonably. Don’t be intimidated to respond in kind. Speak and say, “Please talk to me reasonably, and I will listen.”

4. Be kind and loving. Just because someone is angry does not mean you have to be angry back. Say words like, “I’m sorry you are feeling bad. Can I do anything to help you feel less upset? What can I do to see things change?”

5. When there is truth in an accusation directed to you, admit it. Don’t lie about it and defend yourself. You don’t have to be right all the time. Say words, like, “Its true, I wasn’t using my heart. I have sinned! Please, forgive me.”

6. Give others the right to be angry at you. Don’t be shocked and offended when it happens. If you insist that everyone sees you as the PERFECT HUMAN BEING WITHOUT FAULTS, you will be deeply disappointed not to mention that you are the victim of gross misbelief and self-directed inner lies. Consider your inner thoughts, for maybe you do lie to yourself!

7. Sometimes the anger someone has vented at you has nothing to do with you. You may merely be the target of someone’s frustrations and unhappiness. Learn to identify such things, refusing to take offense personally. It is their problem, not yours. Don’t make it your problem!

How to Handle Anger Personally!

1. Confess your sinful anger to God and receive His forgiveness. (Study Psalm 32; Proverbs 28:13; I John 1:7, 9.)

2. Locate and identify your misbeliefs about anger! What are you telling yourself that is not true by which you have allowed yourself to hold onto the anger?

3. Replace your misbeliefs and self-talk lies with TRUTH. The truth of God’s Word is what will set you free, if applied and lived. (See John 8:32; Romans 8:5-8.) Start REPEATING TRUTH TO YOURSELF -- truth according to God’s Word and not your self-talk ideas. Take a stand against the practice of your inner self-talk lies.

4. Behave according to truth! Old destructive ways of expressing or repressing anger, for instance, needs to be gone now. React according to the Word of God and the will of God. Be honest with yourself, God, and others.

5. Pray for solutions instead of talking about problems! Trust the Lord fully, believe the Lord, for nothing is impossibly, including the elimination of bitterness and anger from your life. (See Mark 11: 23, 24; Luke 11: 7,8 John 15: 7; Philippians 4: 13; I John 5: 14, 15.)

What do you worry about ? Money? Kids? Parents? Your health or weight? The future or job security? Do you sometimes worry about not having anything to worry about? Or maybe you are not the one in the family who worries -- you leave it all to your spouse. Do you truly understand what worry is? Do you recognize the difference between rightful concern and anxiety?
Someone defined worry as “stewing without doing.” That is a good definition because there is really nothing you can do about your worries or fretting since they are usually oriented to the future. And beside, almost everything we worry about is uncontrollable, or usually improbable.
Since the things we worry about usually do not come to pass, our tendency to think irrationally leads us to believe that somehow, through our worrying, we will prevent those events from happening. But we know that is not the case.

Worry effects us greatly! Worry tends to paralyze us. We feel helpless, frustrated, unable to counteract some uncontrollable event that might take place. In looking up worry in the dictionary you will find that it comes from an old English word that means “to strangle, or to choke,” I think that we can see that this would give us the thought of helplessness. When we worry, we are strangling and or choking our emotions, and blocking any flow of creative energy potential in our lives to meet the things that truly do take place. Worry takes place because we do not rest in our wonderful Lord and His promises.

Anxiety is similar to worry, except that anxiety usually does not have a specific object. We can feel anxious and not even know why. Do you have anxiety and don’t know why? Have you considered that it comes from a lack of simple trust in a wonderful Heavenly Father?
Often with worry, we have difficulty separating between worry and genuine concern. We often defend our tendency to worry as being a form of caring. We care so much about our kids, for example, that it is just natural to worry about them. Maybe that is why women especially tend to be worriers, because their role is often defined as caring.
But caring and concern slip very easily into worry and anxiety. The line that separates them is often difficult to define. Concern can be defined as a feeling that motivates us to action. Worry, on the other hand, usually paralyzes us. Concern focuses on controlled behavior and events; worry often focuses on events and behavior that are beyond our control. Do you practice a life of worry and fretting? Could it be that you don’t even recognize that you worry?
Worry is an attempt to control the future. And for some worry and anxiety lead to the development of compulsive behavior and phobias. Worry can also lead to self-deception. If we worry about something sufficiently then we will probably deceive ourselves into not wanting to know the facts lest what we are worrying about comes to pass. Yes, worry does easily paralyze us from rightful, godly action.

Our self-talk gives us away! By our self-talk we know whether we are worrying or not or building anxiety in our lives. Your worries also identify where you faith really lies. The key to breaking the paralyzing habit of worry and anxiety is to find something solid in which to trust. For me, and for you, that ought to be the LORD and His Word.
Christ deals with the subject of anxious care in Matthew 6:24-34. And you will note that you cannot change things by having anxiety over things And how do we have anxious care? By what we are saying to ourselves. We must break the cycle of self-talk that brings such anxiety. Christ gives a number of illustrations of His care and concern for us and His promises to meet our needs!
Why not study Matthew 6:25-34 again. Christ speaks about having anxious care... spoken of as “take no thought. . .” I would also encourage you to study Philippians 4: 6-8 and II Timothy 2:13.

Consider four things that would help you!

1. You must decide to bring personal change. Make a conscious effort to change your self-talk, attitudes, and behavior as it applies to worry and fretting, and practicing anxious care. Don’t decide to stop worry; that is focusing on the wrong thing. But decide to change and keep on making that choice, but do it by focusing on God’s promises. Change is possible by gaining control of your thoughts. You change by putting your thoughts on the positive -- on the blessings from the Lord. It comes by practicing the truth of Philippians 4:8-9.

2. Work on the words of your mouth! Make a conscious choice to watch what you say. Stop your worrying talk. When you starting talking about what you are worried about, you are focusing on your worries, and you give power to those thoughts. They effect what you believe about God’s care, providence, promises, and love to you. You are building a belief system of unbelief if you don’t change what you are saying. What is it that you are saying to yourself and others that are absolute statements that you think are true, but are untrue, falsehoods and lies? Your words spoken to yourself in the inner man over and over again will become what you believe and thus how you will respond to life and all its issues.

3. Verbalize your faith and trust, not your doubts, anxieties and worries! If you are worried about something then replace the thoughts of worry that come with promises. Speak outloud your faith in WHAT God has said. Learn to rest in the words of our great Heavenly Father. Then memorize the verses that will bring peace, inner assurance, and trust. Do battle with the thoughts of distrust. (Maybe you need to memorize such verses as Heb 11: 6; Isa 40: 28-31; Isa. 41: 10; Psa. 27: 1, 2, 14; Psa. 103: 1-5; Phil. 4: 13; 4:19) Only be memorizing, meditation and living these truths will change take place. Isn’t that what you want?

4. Live expecting God to act because of your affirmation of faith and trust. Live as if God is alive, on the throne, and will bring about what is best for you. (For He is!) He is alive you know and He can do all things, and has promised this in Romans 8:28, 29 and in Phil. 2:13.

Consider for thought, discussion, and study:

1. Who does most of the worrying in your family?

2. Describe how they worry and what they worry about.

3. What are some of your worry statements?

4. How do you verbalize your worry and anxious statements?

5. Are you willing to face them, and change them with trust?

1. What self-talk is blocking your ability to forgive yourself?

2. Where is your self-talk telling you to try harder as you are controlled by a tyranny of oughts and shoulds that are self-imposed?

3. Where are you still have difficulty in experiencing forgiveness? In being forgiven?

4. In what way are you endeavoring to remove your own responsibility by your own self-talk so that you won’t have to deal with wrongs, failures and sinful practices?

5. Do you embrace good grief over sin and wrong, then repent and forsake that sin? Only then can you know removal of guilt and self-imposed anger over failure.
V. Self-talk and the Problem of Daily Stress

Maybe few in Bible times knew stress better than the Apostle Paul. He was thrown into prison numerous times, beaten and left for dead, shipwrecked and rejected by his fellowship Christians. He was hated by the religious Jews of his day and maybe even by friends whom he knew well prior to his conversion. Yet he was not only able to endure these stress points in his life, he also maintained an attitude of victory that has inspired many over the centuries that have followed.
Paul wrote about this stress in II Corinthians 4:8,9 where we find these thoughts: We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed: perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed.
Paul did not stop there, or bemoan his difficulties, speak of bitterness and desire for revenge, or anything of this kind. In fact not only did he not engage in self-talk of self-pity, but instead he wrote of answers in the Lord. He wrote about not losing heart, that though the outer man is wasting away, our inner nature is being renewed every day. (vs 16). Paul gives us a definition of stress, that is, he writes of the outer nature, his body wasting away. Paul endured great wear and tear on his body. Yet he does not give in to stress or pressures, but he adds that his inner nature -- his mind, and spirit, are being renewed every day!
Paul renewed his mind by capturing every thought and bringing into obedience every thought to Christ. (See II Cor. 10:3-5.) Paul knows how to take the stressors of life and turn them around to his advantage. He secret is in his self-talk and his focus on Biblical truth. (II Cor. 12:9-11)
We have a vivid picture of his practice and victory over stress as we read of the beatings and imprisonment in Acts 16. While there, Paul captures his thoughts by focusing on those things worthy of praise. (See Phil. 4:8.) He and Silas spend their time praying and singing hymns to God. He renews his inner nature, in the face of terrible stress, through his inner self-talk meditations on God’s goodness, mercy and love.
Paul knew all kind of suffering. (See II Cor. 11) While in prison, when writing to the Philippian believers his theme was rejoice. Paul had learned to be content in what ever state he found himself. He urged the believers to rejoice in everything. How does he do this in the face of so much stress? Only one way -- by the renewal of his mind! (See Phil. 4:11; Rom. 12: 2.)

He guards his thoughts!

What was Paul’s secret weapon against stress? In his self-talk he aimed at developing the attitudes that he saw in Jesus.

1. He gave all his rights to God. Therefore he did not have agendas that had to take place in order to be happy. He did not have any demands or standards of God’s doings for him to be happy. He had given all his rights to the Lord. In that attitude the demands for his rights are set aside.

2. He lives in the attitude of a servant. Paul’s ministry and example in life is centered on the person of Christ. (See Matt. 20:28.) Paul experienced what Isaiah wrote about: that one whose mind is stayed on God will have perfect peace. (See Isa. 23:6.) Perfect peace in the midst of stress! How can we learn to be survivors in a stress-filled culture? How can we develop the same attitudes as shown to us by Jesus Christ?

We need to identify stressful situations in our lives! We need to recognize those things that build feelings of anger, depression, worry, anxiety, and guilt -- for these are all stress-creating situations. If we don’t handle these things properly and Biblically, we will naturally have a lot of stress in daily life.
We can build a lot of stress by our thoughts and demands on life. That is, what we think has to be or we are not happy. All in the same day -- we can be anger over a child’s failure to perform a job, upset with what we have in our lunch bag, thinking of all the things we must get done that day, or we must do, scared to death over a meeting we have tomorrow, and be thinking upon what our wife wants -- all at the same time. No wonder we have stress!

1. Maybe we need to make a list of the things that give us stress and then consider Biblically how we are going to handle them in a God-pleasing, honoring way.

2. Then we need to work on our self-talk. We need to recognize what we are saying to ourselves about the problem(s) that bring our stress. What are we already saying to ourselves that helps to trigger feelings of threat, anger, frustration and of being overwhelmed? What are the contents of your thoughts? How do they bring additional stress to your life and to others?

3. Then we need to think through how we can handle the problems of life without stress or threat. Our mental pictures are a part of our self-talk. We need to focus our lives on trust, dependence on the Lord, and live without stress or reactions in the wrong way. Our stress and negative self-talk are often crystallized by mental images we created in our own imaginations. We need to reverse all of this, seeing ourselves coping and changing can help us make that behavior a reality. We must trust the Lord for what we need. (See Isa. 40: 28-31; 41: 10.)

4. It would help to write down your negative self-talk statements that bring stress. Then rewrite them considering Biblical truth about the situation. Often our whole problem of stress is brought about by our self-talk and belief system that is not based on the promises of God’s word.

For consideration, study and discussion:

1. Have you ignored the truth about a sovereign, caring, loving, providing God whose is working all things for our good and His glory? (See Phil. 2:13; Rom. 8:28, 29.)

2. Work on a list of positive, Biblical self-talk statements. Write out the statements and then work on memorization of the verses that would give answers to your stress problem.

3. Work on a diary of stress situations, identifying the stress producing self-talk statements. Spend time applying the Word of God to these situations, and expect victory in the power of the Lord. (See Eph. 6:10-18.)

It is neither motivated by fear or anger! True assertiveness is behavior motivated by God’s love. You care enough about others and yourself that you will speak up for what is right and yet be careful not to violate someone else. We do not repress, suppress, or express our emotions. We confess them! In the Greek, the meaning of confess is “agree with.” When you confess your feelings and emotions, you are verbally agreeing with what you are feeling inside. When you confess these emotions and feelings you are describing for the other person what is going on inside of you.
The main purpose is to have self-control and to act responsibly. You are not pushing others around at their expense, and you are not being pushed around -- both ways of reacting to life. You are now experiencing self-control, and are able to act the way you choose, and not react!

When we practice assertiveness, we are lovingly confronting others. We will work at speaking the truth in love. (See Eph. 4:15, 25.) And we will practice attacking problems and not people. Once again, the battle for loving confrontation or assertiveness begins in your mind -- in your self-talk.


Consider how to practice assertiveness!

So what can you do and how should you do it? Let’s consider four “D’s” for assertive living, or for the practice of love-confronting.

Describe: Describe the kinds of situations in which you reacted passively or aggressively. Analyze what you could have done in conversation that would have been love- confronting or assertiveness.
Take the time to write out the description of the conflict, how you reacted and what your self-talk was. Examine your self-talk in the light of the Word of God and what it teaches about personal relationships in the following portions.
(Study and write out the following verses and consider how you will apply them and allow them to change your self-talk practices. Eph. 4: 1-7; Phil. 2: 1-4; 4: 8-12; Col. 3 :8-14; I Thess. 2: 7-12; 5:11-15; Rom. 12: 9, 10, 14-21.)

Define: Define what is happening to you. Consider and describe what you are saying, doing, and thinking! What is your self-talk? What have you been saying that is destructive? What are your expectations in this situation? What is it you want to see accomplished? What does God want? Define as clearly as possible your feelings, hurts, fears, hostilities, and behavior. Are seeking God’s glory?

Discern: What have your motives been? Are you primarily concerned about the well-being of the other person and glory of God? What does the other person feel? What is going on inside the other person that is involved in the problem or situation?

Decide: Make a decision of what you are going to do about the situation.

1. Do what the Word of God teaches you to do, and do battle with your self-talk what has been sinful and wrong.

2. What new assertive strategy of loving words can you use to change this trap of anger? How can you form the words to help the other person face the situation and yet do it with no malice, no hidden agenda and no self-fulfilling purposes.

3. If you give your rights to God, and want His will and way, you can trust God to protect you in the end. And if you react Biblically you will then help the other person for the purpose of their good and not your selfish ends.

Consider the Lord Jesus Christ! Jesus always spoke directly and honestly about what He was feeling.

1. He spoke out of justice;

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